I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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