Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
