so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
