remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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