you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
