if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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