Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
