New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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