sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
