My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
