He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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