i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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