dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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