I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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