woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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