New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wear drunk well.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
