I should be sponsored by Trojan
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
