Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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