I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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