some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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