If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i love accidental penises.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
