Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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