Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
