I wish my penis had an off switch
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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