the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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