Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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