I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
