I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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