I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
