The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
