I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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