In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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