This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
