i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
