we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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