i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
