Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
