I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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