john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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