I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
