Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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