you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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