it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
