I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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