I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
