1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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