I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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