i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
