Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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