I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
