I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
