ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
3 2 1 whiskey
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
